The Fancy New Hearing Aid

A fellow is speaking with his friend:

He: "I just bought a fancy new hearing aid. It cost $1500 for one ear."
Friend: "Oh? What kind is it?"
He (Looking at his wrist watch): "About four thirty."

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously... .

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like... Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates ... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today.... might burn your butt tomorrow.

Beatles Songs Rewritten For/By Programmers

I just got these from Les. Got me belting-out in no time, especially the first one; was singing it like Michael Bolton. :) Thanks to Les and whoever redid these songs. They must have been written sometime back, especially “Let It Be”. It sounds really dated. The third one is my least favorite. What’s wrong with Windows? I mean, come on! This was probably referring to Windows 3.1. I do wish though that Bill shared some of his money… with me. :)

YESTERDAY [Beatles]

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong. What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.


LET IT BE

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C.
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer. Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C.


IMAGINE (John Lennon)

Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
TX-Mozilla-Status: 0009s.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!
Imagine never ending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.
You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM
Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!
You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.

Excuse Letters

From a post by Willie C. on our college batch Yahoo! group:

Actual Excuse Letter:

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

This next one is good. Not quite sure if it was also an
actual excuse letter:

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday
paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Hehe... nice try! :)

Four Stages of Life

Special thanks to Mickee for forwarding us this wonderful joke.

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

No Such Language

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Word Power

Stressing the importance of a large vocabulary, the English teacher told his class, "Use a word ten times and it will be yours for life." In the back of the room a young girl closed her eyes and was heard chanting under her breath: "Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred."

The Laziest Rookie

The sergeant looked disdainfully at the new recruits. "Men," he shouted, "I have a nice easy job for the laziest rookie here. Will the laziest man step forward?" Instantly, all the men stepped forward - all but one. "Why don't you step up to the front with the others?" demanded the sergeant. "Too much trouble," drawled the rookie.

The Valentine Gift

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.
With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams".

Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."